NBA SIMS LEAGUE Power Ranking - PR W2 -. Ricky Gervais edition
Dec, 03 (Week 2) - Welcome to this week’s Power Ranking — the only league in the world made up entirely of 30 grown adults in their 40s and 50s who should be paying bills, mowing lawns, and checking cholesterol levels… but instead they’re staring at a videogame screen like absolute lunatics, making trades at 2 AM and arguing over virtual free throws. You’ve got Laddas proudly reading the standings upside down because his monitor is flipped, Joshua treating LeBron like a slightly bewildered family elder, Sheed leaving Dennis Schröder unemployed on purpose because tanking apparently requires maximum commitment, and Klemmento behaving as if signing Khem Birch is written in ancient prophecy. Meanwhile, JMAC in Portland continues collecting first-round picks like they’re souvenir keychains. It’s chaotic, it’s harmless, it’s brilliant — the perfect setup for another Power Ranking. [sheed36]
| Rank | Rating | Team | Record | Comment | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
 |
1 (3) | 80 | NY |  |
8-0 GS 85, NY 114 W NY 119, Den 100 W NY 116, Tor 102 W Chi 124, NY 131 W Bos 102, NY 123 W NY 137, Mil 108 W Utah 103, NY 149 W NY 137, Atl 115 W |
The Knicks at #1? Oh, come off it. That’s not basketball, that’s an alternate universe. Josh Giddey—Josh Giddey—suddenly playing like a franchise star? Kevin Durant finally remembering he’s seven feet tall? And Mike Conley… still alive? Still dribbling? Still collecting a paycheck? It’s ridiculous. It’s like someone hit randomize on reality and everyone just went along with it. |
|
2 (4) | 73 | LAL |  |
7-1 Dal 119, LAL 110 L Utah 93, LAL 127 W Min 102, LAL 120 W LAL 127, GS 80 W LAL 110, Min 74 W GS 76, LAL 104 W LAL 129, Hou 100 W LAL 117, Cha 103 W |
Terry Rozier getting arrested for a betting scandal is already mad — but the funniest part is imagining him sprinting down the street with Tony Soprano chasing him, shouting, ‘Don’t you dare snitch on the family!’ Rozier’s out here allegedly faking injuries, fixing bets, running this whole undercover operation… he wasn’t a point guard, he was an extra from The Sopranos who accidentally wandered onto an NBA court. Absolute comedy. |
|
3 (5) | 62 | SA |  |
6-2 SA 135, Phi 101 W Tor 102, SA 124 W Mem 90, SA 117 W SA 111, Ind 118 L SA 140, Min 99 W Por 93, SA 129 W GS 114, SA 95 L SA 119, Mil 93 W |
Watching the Spurs at #3 is hilarious. Giannis takes so long at the free-throw line he could finish a meditation session before releasing the ball. Jamal Murray spends the entire regular season warming up for the playoffs like it’s some annual holiday he celebrates. |
 |
4 (1) | 61 | Mil |  |
7-2 Pho 92, Mil 120 W Det 101, Mil 129 W Orl 104, Mil 118 W Mil 142, Bos 117 W Mia 107, Mil 112 W NY 137, Mil 108 L SA 119, Mil 93 L Mil 123, Cle 118 W Chi 105, Mil 112 W |
The Bucks look way better this year mostly because SGA is out here farming free throws like he’s playing Stardew Valley. He’s second in the league in attempts, which makes sense, because defending him is basically a choose-your-own-adventure book where every page ends with ‘and then he shot two free throws. |
|
5 (7) | 61 | OKC |  |
7-1 OKC 121, Hou 103 W Bos 93, OKC 127 W Was 114, OKC 122 W OKC 88, Por 115 L Det 99, OKC 110 W Sac 121, OKC 122 W OKC 126, Den 123 W Atl 111, OKC 121 W |
OKC is hooping this year — Anthony Edwards is playing like every game is personal, De’Aaron Fox is basically a turbocharged blur, and somehow Deandre Ayton remembered he’s allowed to jump. But the real wildcard is Anfernee Simons, who’s putting up numbers like he’s still trying to prove to Brandon Ingram that stealing his ex was just the warm-up. At this point the Thunder have so much chaotic energy they feel less like a basketball team and more like a very fast, very petty reality show. |
|
6 (8) | 59 | Dal |  |
7-2 Dal 119, LAL 110 W Cha 116, Dal 106 L Dal 101, Det 75 W Dal 105, Por 85 W Dal 118, Por 100 W Phi 129, Dal 119 L Mia 110, Dal 119 W Dal 125, LAC 117 W Dal 121, Chi 109 W |
Dallas sitting at #6 is criminal — this team is overperforming so hard it feels like they’re actively trying to bully Detroit, who owns their pick and is watching every Mavs win like it’s a season finale of Severance. |
|
7 (2) | 56 | Cle |  |
6-2 Orl 109, Cle 128 W Cle 140, Pho 114 W Cle 131, Was 96 W Bos 119, Cle 126 W Cle 109, Orl 128 L Mil 123, Cle 118 L Mem 79, Cle 95 W Mia 119, Cle 128 W |
The Cavs being this good with 37-year-old Steph Curry running around is wild. Man is out here playing like the NBA is just one long episode of Grey’s Anatomy and he refuses to get written off. |
|
8 (12) | 49 | Ind |  |
6-3 Ind 99, Det 120 L Utah 88, Ind 108 W SA 111, Ind 118 W Hou 116, Ind 107 L Ind 122, Was 115 W Den 118, Ind 128 W Ind 129, Pho 120 W Ind 105, Phi 120 L Det 103, Ind 112 W |
The new-look Pacers at #8 feel like a team built in MyCareer when you stop caring about realism. Cade Cunningham is finally playing like Lakers always hoped he would, Chet Holmgren looks like he spawned in on rookie difficulty, and Garland is doing his best impression of a high-level support character in trade block ready to leave. |
|
9 (16) | 39 | Utah |  |
5-3 NO 94, Utah 117 W Pho 114, Utah 118 W Utah 93, LAL 127 L Utah 88, Ind 108 L Cha 122, Utah 127 W Utah 103, NY 149 L Utah 129, Pho 107 W Min 109, Utah 143 W |
The Utah Jazz sitting at #9 is impressive, but let’s be honest — this is all powered by James Harden playing like he’s on his fourth ‘I swear I’m serious this time’ redemption arc. Utah fans are praying he doesn’t discover the nightlife scene in Salt Lake City, because the moment he does, this whole experiment turns into a Netflix true crime documentary. |
|
10 (18) | 38 | Phi |  |
5-3 SA 135, Phi 101 L Tor 122, Phi 110 L Phi 119, Cha 102 W Phi 117, GS 110 W Was 118, Phi 114 L Phi 129, Dal 119 W Phi 114, Mem 105 W Ind 105, Phi 120 W |
The Sixers at #10 are basically running on Jimmy Butler’s ‘I’ll do it myself’ energy — which is great until you remember he’s 35 and built like someone who hasn’t smiled since 2016. Every game he looks like he’s one missed rotation away from demanding everyone wake up at 3 AM for ‘culture workouts.’ |
|
11 (9) | 36 | Hou |  |
5-3 OKC 121, Hou 103 L Hou 124, Pho 121 W Hou 141, Den 118 W Hou 116, Ind 107 W Pho 121, Hou 141 W LAL 129, Hou 100 L Hou 97, Por 122 L Hou 116, Sac 109 W |
The Rockets at #11 are basically just Jokic showing up to work every day like he accidentally clicked on the wrong MyCareer save file. The man looks bored out of his mind dropping 35-15-5 while the rest of the roster plays like they’re trying to impress him just so he’ll acknowledge their existence. |
|
12 (6) | 34 | Chi |  |
4-4 Cha 84, Chi 118 W Chi 112, Det 85 W Was 121, Chi 122 W Chi 124, NY 131 L Dal 121, Chi 109 L Orl 120, Chi 104 L Chi 123, Bkn 112 W Chi 105, Mil 112 L |
The Bulls at #12 are the most Chicago thing ever — chaotic, inconsistent, and somehow still convincing themselves this is the year. LaMelo Ball is out there playing like a Twitch streamer with unlimited boosts, Aaron Gordon is doing all the dirty work like he’s still auditioning for the Dunk Contest, and Nic Claxton blocks everything except Chicago’s emotional instability. |
|
13 (23) | 33 | Orl |  |
4-4 Orl 109, Cle 128 L Bkn 118, Orl 111 L Orl 104, Mil 118 L Atl 92, Orl 115 W Cle 109, Orl 128 W Bos 119, Orl 112 L Orl 120, Chi 104 W Orl 115, Was 108 W |
The Magic at #13 are basically sitting around like a group of kids waiting for their dad to come back with the milk, except the dad is Kyrie Irving, and the ‘milk’ is him returning from injury without announcing a new spiritual journey. |
|
14 (11) | 33 | Por |  |
4-4 Por 122, Min 81 W Por 105, NO 107 L Dal 105, Por 85 L OKC 88, Por 115 W Dal 118, Por 100 L Por 102, Mem 97 W Por 93, SA 129 L Hou 97, Por 122 W |
The Blazers are basically 4–5 on the court and 45–0 in draft picks. This franchise has so many future selections they don’t need scouts — they need an accountant. Portland doesn’t rebuild, they just hoard picks like a dragon sitting on a mountain of protected first-rounders. |
|
15 (17) | 27 | Cha |  |
4-5 Cha 84, Chi 118 L Cha 116, Dal 106 W Mia 103, Cha 112 W Phi 119, Cha 102 L Cha 122, Utah 127 L Cha 121, Bkn 116 W LAC 108, Cha 117 W Bos 113, Cha 108 L LAL 117, Cha 103 L |
The Hornets at #15 are basically watching Ja Morant descend like a video game character whose stamina bar is permanently stuck in the red. One year he’s electrifying, the next he’s playing like someone unplugged his controller mid-drive. |
|
16 (27) | 24 | Bos |  |
4-5 Bos 127, LAC 119 W Bos 93, OKC 127 L Mil 142, Bos 117 L Bos 119, Cle 126 L Bos 102, NY 123 L Bos 119, Orl 112 W Bos 113, Cha 108 W Det 88, Bos 114 W Was 122, Bos 104 L |
The Celtics at #16 without Jayson Tatum is like watching The Avengers without Iron Man — technically the team still exists, but the vibes are cooked. Boston is rolling out a roster full of promising young guys, but every possession screams, ‘Man, we really miss the dude who actually knows how to score.’ |
|
17 (21) | 24 | Sac |  |
3-6 Sac 100, Mem 108 L Sac 95, Den 109 L Min 106, Sac 102 L NO 93, Sac 109 W Sac 121, OKC 122 L Sac 118, NO 87 W Sac 108, Bkn 130 L Mem 112, Sac 122 W Hou 116, Sac 109 L |
The Kings at #17 look lost, confused, and spiritually incomplete — and honestly, it’s because they’re clearly missing the unmatched, franchise-altering presence of… Khem Birch. Yes, apparently the secret glue guy of the entire organization was a backup center averaging 4 and 3. Sacramento isn’t terrible, but you can feel it — that Khem Birch–shaped hole in the universe is throwing everything off. |
|
18 (13) | 22 | Mia |  |
3-5 Mia 103, Cha 112 L Den 128, Mia 117 L Mia 120, Atl 113 W Mia 107, LAC 85 W Tor 117, Mia 122 W Mia 107, Mil 112 L Mia 110, Dal 119 L Mia 119, Cle 128 L |
The Heat at #18 are basically the Lauri Markkanen Solo Experience™ — every game looks like him dragging this roster around like a tired parent pulling three screaming kids through a supermarket. He’s scoring, rebounding, spacing the floor, doing taxes, probably driving the team bus… and Miami still finds a way to lose half their games. |
|
19 (15) | 22 | Tor |  |
3-5 Tor 102, SA 124 L Tor 122, Phi 110 W Atl 117, Tor 129 W NY 116, Tor 102 L Tor 117, Mia 122 L Atl 129, Tor 122 L Tor 111, Pho 128 L Tor 121, GS 91 W |
Toronto isn’t awful — they’re just stuck in that weird NBA limbo where they’re too good to tank and too mid to matter. At least Thanasis is here, providing elite bench clapping. |
|
20 (22) | 21 | Atl |  |
3-5 Atl 117, Tor 129 L LAC 100, Atl 118 W Mia 120, Atl 113 L Atl 92, Orl 115 L Atl 129, Tor 122 W Min 100, Atl 120 W NY 137, Atl 115 L Atl 111, OKC 121 L |
Alex Sarr Mystery Tour, every game feels like watching a 7-foot French glitch trying to decide if he’s the next franchise savior or the world’s tallest question mark. One night he looks unstoppable, and the next he plays like he accidentally equipped the wrong badges. |
|
21 (10) | 19 | Mem |  |
3-5 Sac 100, Mem 108 W Mem 130, Was 115 W Mem 90, SA 117 L Mem 110, Bkn 103 W Por 102, Mem 97 L Phi 114, Mem 105 L Mem 112, Sac 122 L Mem 79, Cle 95 L |
The Grizzlies at #21 are playing like a team stuck in permanent ‘rebuilding but pretending not to be’ mode. Memphis isn’t hopeless but right now they’ve got the collective vibe of a pickup squad that almost wins a lot… but never actually does. |
|
22 (25) | 19 | NO |  |
3-5 NO 94, Utah 117 L Min 114, NO 106 L Por 105, NO 107 W NO 93, Sac 109 L Sac 118, NO 87 L NO 97, LAC 113 L NO 146, Den 139 W Bkn 92, NO 128 W |
The Pelicans at #22 are basically Luka Dončić running a daycare. Every possession looks like he’s sighing deeply, adjusting his beard, and carrying eleven grown men on his back while doing stepbacks in slow motion. |
|
23 (19) | 16 | Det |  |
3-6 Det 104, Bkn 83 W Ind 99, Det 120 W Dal 101, Det 75 L Det 101, Mil 129 L Chi 112, Det 85 L Det 99, OKC 110 L LAC 101, Det 109 W Det 88, Bos 114 L Det 103, Ind 112 L |
The Pistons at #23 are definitely, absolutely, unquestionably not tanking — no sir, not even a little. Losing games by 8, starting a rotation that feels like a G League all-star draft, and giving heavy ‘player development’ minutes to everyone under 25? Pure coincidence. |
|
24 (28) | 13 | GS |  |
3-5 GS 85, NY 114 L GS 123, Bkn 113 W Phi 117, GS 110 L LAL 127, GS 80 L GS 76, LAL 104 L GS 114, SA 95 W Den 100, GS 113 W Tor 121, GS 91 L |
The Warriors at #24 are less a basketball team and more a cautionary tale for GMs who can ‘fix any roster.’ Dazman wants to play hard difficult while he left a championship-caliber squad for this — a collection of mid-tier role players, questionable contracts, and vibes held together with duct tape. |
|
25 (14) | 11 | Den |  |
2-6 Sac 95, Den 109 W NY 119, Den 100 L Den 128, Mia 117 W Hou 141, Den 118 L Den 118, Ind 128 L NO 146, Den 139 L OKC 126, Den 123 L Den 100, GS 113 L |
Donovan Mitchell playing like he’s allergic to efficiency. In real life he’s a star — but in NBA 2K? The man transforms into a 6'1 shooting guard who thinks every possession is a heat check. Brick after brick, contested fadeaways for no reason, and zero playmaking unless you count accidentally passing to the other team. |
|
26 (24) | 10 | Bkn |  |
2-6 Det 104, Bkn 83 L Bkn 118, Orl 111 W GS 123, Bkn 113 L Mem 110, Bkn 103 L Cha 121, Bkn 116 L Sac 108, Bkn 130 W Bkn 92, NO 128 L Chi 123, Bkn 112 L |
The Nets aren’t a basketball team right now — they’re a fully staffed medical facility with a hoop attached. Trae Young is out, OG Anunoby is out, Aaron Wiggins is out, Dereck Lively II is out… at this point the only thing Brooklyn is leading the league in is MRI frequency. |
|
27 (26) | 10 | LAC |  |
2-6 Bos 127, LAC 119 L LAC 100, Atl 118 L LAC 119, Was 116 W Mia 107, LAC 85 L LAC 101, Det 109 L LAC 108, Cha 117 L NO 97, LAC 113 W Dal 125, LAC 117 L |
Looking at the Clippers’ roster is like looking at Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating history if you’re over 25, you’re simply not on the list. This whole team is so young that DiCaprio would probably try to sign them to long-term contracts. The Clippers aren’t rebuilding, they’re just following Leo’s strict roster construction philosophy: If they can’t rent a car yet, they’re perfect. |
|
28 (30) | 10 | Was |  |
2-7 Mem 130, Was 115 L Was 114, OKC 122 L Cle 131, Was 96 L Was 121, Chi 122 L LAC 119, Was 116 L Was 118, Phi 114 W Ind 122, Was 115 L Orl 115, Was 108 L Was 122, Bos 104 W |
Look at the Wizards. They’ve got Devin Booker, Jrue Holiday, some decent pieces… and then there’s LeBron James. Forty years old, still playing 35 minutes a night. It’s not basketball anymore, it’s elder abuse. Honestly, at this point LeBron’s not chasing Kareem, he’s chasing social security. |
| 29 (29) | -1 | Pho |  |
1-7 Pho 92, Mil 120 L Pho 114, Utah 118 L Cle 140, Pho 114 L Hou 124, Pho 121 L Pho 121, Hou 141 L Ind 129, Pho 120 L Utah 129, Pho 107 L Tor 111, Pho 128 W |
Right, look at the Phoenix Suns. One win. One. Come on Lad boy, he is walking around smiling like he’s top of the conference. He’s looking at the standings upside down like a man trying to read IKEA instructions without his glasses. | |
|
30 (20) | -2 | Min |  |
2-6 Por 122, Min 81 L Min 114, NO 106 W Min 102, LAL 120 L Min 106, Sac 102 W LAL 110, Min 74 L SA 140, Min 99 L Min 100, Atl 120 L Min 109, Utah 143 L |
The Timberwolves at 2–7 aren’t shocking — not when Anthony Davis is your franchise anchor and the man can injure himself by thinking too hard. |
| Comments (2) | |||
| JustinG 12/03 05:51 pm | #2 team in the PR, and yet the whole thing was written about a guy who won't play a minute for us. LOL | ||
| breece 12/03 05:47 pm | Quality PR Shead! Love this analysis! Very fun read! | ||