NSL Roast

 

Atlanta, home of the point guards and bigs, and nothing in between.  Is everyone solid, or is nobody good?  Still something to be said about the only worthwhile thing in Atlanta being magic city.

 

Boston, bean town.  The beans have been roasting for some time.  Roasted to perfection just in time to send the valuable product elsewhere and bring in new beans to roast.  Scoot sucks.

 

Brooklyn.  We contending, or pretending?  Who the hell knows, 1 season up, 1 season down, the only constant is a product below the confidence level of the league…why is it this team is chosen as a sleeper damn near every season again?

 

Charlotte, all in, always.  Rumors around the league have surfaced about the Charlotte front office running a seminar about the importance of cap space or lack there-of.  Teams lining up for valuable information from the front office who has failed to provide a top-29 bench unit for the entire history of the NSL.

 

Chicago, where the most minimal signs of potential can make you a centerpiece of the teams future.  “Late 2^nd rounders?  No good sir, those are stars”.

 

Cleveland…trading my entire team every season…is for you!  Where youth means nothing, and depth means everything…just don’t get into the habit of gambling, unless you are gambling on an earlier than expected exit from the Eastern Conference Playoffs.

 

Dallas, the only NSL franchise who could be improved by their NBA GM counterpart taking over.  Yes, Nico dismantling the franchise would somehow be better than this.

 

Denver, oh Denver, where art though Denver?  The type of guy who has his best season in years, then disappears. 

  Deeeetroit.  You could probably pull one of the homeless guys off the streets and put out a better product.  He would also likely be of much sounder mind than Ace Bailey.  Perfect guy to lead the franchise in Detroit.

 

Golden State where nothing says championship window like Jordan Poole and Tobias Harris. 

 

Houston, perpetually a threat, but not really.  Maybe they’ll take the leap after they bring in 2 more star guards and another center who’s great IRL but mediocre in 2k land.   Alperen Sengun, you are a Rocket!  All you’ve got to send is 2 failing former first round picks.

 

Indiana, where nobody knows what the hell is going on.  Direction?  Who the hell knows. 
The only thing anyone in Indiana knows is Mikal Bridges is a star, who at 28 years old and the 3^rd/4^th option on his NBA team is in for a massive boost to his game and 2k ratings.  Right…

 

Clippers…finally forgotten as the worst trader in NSL history(trading Giannis will do that to you) and after 69 years of a rebuild are ready to contend again.  Maybe?  At least we don’t have to see Tobias Harris on the block anymore.

 

Lakers, where no player is safe.  Does this guy ever shut up?  Seriously!

 

Memphis finally made a big move again.  Their first since they showed the entire league exactly HOW NOT to manage cap.  The GM must have finally discontinued his membership for the Charlotte cap class.

 

Miami, the only team who knows they have good players.  “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink, unless it’s Buddy Hield, then you should know he shot 40% from 3, and sure that’s the only thing he can do decently, but it’s only 2% less than his career numbers, so he’s still pretty good.”

 

Milwaukee, where a new GM comes in and dismantles a championship team.  The only GM who moved from his team, had a newbie come in, and the team performed better after they left.

 

Minnesota…do they have phones, or have they all frozen over?  Do you hate Jimmy, or do you hate winning?  We are about to find out!

 

New Orleans has had like 16 different starting PF’s and decided the one best suited for them was the one who hit a woman.  Yikes.

 

The Knicks, the smartest guy in the room…until he ruined the timeline trading for a 37-year-old KD.  The only believers in New York this coming season are the Knicks GM and Yeet.  Company that inspires confidence!

 

OKC, the home of 2 regular season Western Conference championships, 2 offseason championships, and 0 appearances in the Western Conference finals.

 

Orlando…what’re we grasping onto now?  Naz Reid, the next great big man who will be sold just before his ascension in a deal that will surely net a paltry return.

 

Philly, Philly!  Hoarders of the 2^nd round, and players who are best suited for a retirement home.  They did have that one young guy for like half a season.  Jalen Green, you’re out!

 

Phoenix and Sacramento, perpetually contending with lottery bound rosters.  “There must be some way we can send another one of our first rounders to Portland?”

Portland, the dark stain of the NSL.  Like eating $20 worth of taco bell and running a marathon. 

 

San Antonio, where nothing else matters besides Giannis being healthy.  Like literally, nothing else, so much so that he made Luke Kornet, and Kelly Oubre look good.  Take Giannis from the team, I am not sure they finish better than 0-82.

 

Toronto, north of the border, south of contention.  Guiness book of world records: how many different win now models can one team put together, that amount to a first-round playoff exit?

 

Utah, where the GM shops 1 legged 7-footers like they have 2 legs, and then doubles down on “shitty offers” that included a top 20 player, for said 1 legged player.

 

Washington, where the GM’s “plan” includes riding Lebron James until his leg falls off.  Even then, he will probably sell 50-year-old, 1 legged Lebron for less value than the ask on the corpse of Joel Embiid.