An Idiot at the Draft




A marquee occasion has just passed in the NSL - perhaps the most widely-anticipated and participated event - the 2021 rookie draft. Or so I have been told.

What do I know? I am a simpleton who hasn’t cared to learn about the art of drafting, scouting or anything the draft process entails. To be honest… the place makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t get what all the fuss is about. It’s not even a game. It’s like a Dungeons and Dragons swap-meet.




For this draft-thing, I was forced to attend and spectate the whole event - from the first pick (seems very un-2021 to line all the people up and pick out the best ones in front of the shit ones) right up until the last pick (where the shit guys are put out of their misery well after their watch party has died and the guests have left). 

Almost every GM was in attendance, and it’s hard to imagine even a retirement party (I used a more morbid event in the first draft) getting more commitment to showing up and showing face than this event. Discord lit up like the breathalyser at the pub at 3pm after Klemmelo’s long lunch. Hell, even the curmudgeons of the league seem to skip and frolic about and bid good morning to others while the Green Room hums and the names roll off laddas’ tongue and up onto the draft board.


A typical interaction on the day:


*That’s a beautiful draft pick you have their, sir.*

*Ahh, thank you sir. What terrific second rounders you have. So well-mannered.*

*I respect you, sir, and your right to choose a young athlete of your choosing and wish you will on your endeavours*

*Much appreciated, sir. I must make haste in my automobile, but I wish all of you gentleman a fine day’s pickings*





A day of gentlemen. So, from the perspective of a disgruntled idiot, who has no business drawing conclusions and posing questions, what did I see and wonder? 

• It no doubt has an aura about it, this event.
  
  But so does a mosquito zapping lamp. These moths fly right at the light and bask in its warm hopefulness and promise. These young players’ names provide some of these teams with the most upside their organisations have seen/seen for a while. Especially after typically dark, dismal seasons, the reward for their ability to take beatdown after beatdown is a lottery ticket and a reason to feel better about tomorrow than they felt about yesterday. It’s a shot in the arm for the NSL community before the off-season hibernation. In a fairly hopeless time, relatively speaking, it’s the distraction and investment a lot seem to welcome.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• There seems to be no downside to drafting.
  
  Which might be why every one loves to get around it? It’s just a circle-jerk of praising. If you feel, internally, deep in your soul, that you messed a pick up, there’ll be five others there to froth over the prospect and prop you and your ego up and tell you how great the pick was. We all dream of this kind of positive support and affirmation in our lives. If you spoke to your wife or significant other in this manner you’d probably spend a lot less time on the NSL website and Discord.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• “Oh that’s a great pick, oh that’s a great pick, oh that’s a great pick. Love that. Love it.”
  
  From my analysis, there were only two picks in the top 48 picks that weren’t met with overwhelming positivity from the commentators (who by the way, were sharp, energetic and showed terrific on-air chemistry). That’s 46/48 great picks, 95% success rate. If only growing hair back was this easy. It’s just so damn positive and blindly hopeful, it made me uncomfortable; I felt like I was at a Hillsong sermon and I didn’t know the words/wanted to get out.
  
  So, is this the greatest draft of all time in terms of talent, or is it impossible to fuck picks up in a draft? If all the picks are so great, why are so many of the teams making all the picks so bad in the NSL? Only one commentator tended to go against the grain from time to time, and would overcorrect by outlandishly stating ‘I would have taken this guy (who was drafted at pick 20) at pick 7.
  
  
  
  
• Who the hell are the 76ers and why do they have so many seconds?
  
  So from what I can gather, each team is supposed to have a pick? Some teams have none, some have a few, but this 76ers team had their name called out like six times in the span of half an hour. What part of his soul did he have to sell to get all of those? The Nuggets have Steph Curry and Klay Thompson and still somehow had five picks? Madness. Clearly a dystopian community, with the pick holders having all the wealth and the sorry-people don’t get any.
  
  
  
  
• Kum (it should be pronounced Koom, yeah?) Buckets has to be the most crass nickname I have heard on a broadcast.
  
  Here I was, thinking this was a civilised game for civilised people. Then good ol’ Buckets name gets called out and I spat out my tea all over myself. Commentary had a good ol’ chuckle at that one, in between praising.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Based on the commentary/following, the Boston Celtics are the 2021 Draft Winners
  
  Do they have to play any games or are they anointed the winner like someone wins a hand of cards? Is it better to win the Title or win Draft Day? I am confused.
  
  Boston GM: ‘I’ve got Buckets, Sengun and Moody, and a straight flush in my pants.’
  
  *All other GMS pull up their pants and a raucous applause breaks out*
  
  I’m shocked that the community doesn’t get together more often, with the amount of love that was shown and shared. There needs to be monthly themed events where people do stuff and talk.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Utah Jazz chose guys that no one wanted to choose at their expected draft positions (fallers, or value picks, so they say), but somehow were a ‘winner’
  
  Can’t only one person/team/organistion, win something? Boston was declared the winner, and then it felt like a group of adults noticed the slower, shorter sibling, the Utah Jazz, and felt they had to praise him in order to preserve his feelings and build his confidence. Adding all those first round picks is no doubt adding value to the team, but how can the weird desserts on the tray at the wedding, that do the rounds all night, be the same as the ones that guests hunt down and take first? What do I know.
  
  
  
• Draft has vernacular all of its own
  
  Raw, promising, value, team-fit, versatile, sleeper, on the clock, reach, sniped, buried, ceiling, floor, ready to play, project and c*nt were words frequently used during the event.